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See those banners on the wall? Yeah, this guy was a legend – and never forget it! Constantly wearing thigh-highs and a tattered t-shirt from a wrestling competition decades ago, this teacher will always be a man amongst prepubescent boys. More importantly, he would have gone pro if it wasn’t for that freak knee injury in ’78. Now his time is spent living vicariously through the popular kids he buys beer for and laughing at those who are different.

The compulsory hire of any functioning gym department. Wielding a softball bat and a Virginia Woolf novel, this woman makes Rosie O’Donnell look like Tila Tequila. To succeed in this class, one must decipher a strangely complex series of grunts and know that “playing the field- exclusively applies to hockey. But, once you’re in her good graces, you’ll always have a spotter and a forever altered sense of masculinity.

With one leg kicked up on the chair he carried down two floors from his office, this coach looks upon the most pivotal and influential junior year soccer elective in the fine state of (some state with a rich history in a different sport). The persistent motivational speeches of Coach Carter’s less-successful second cousin will bring forth invaluable lessons for inherently troubled adolescents – or at least that P credit so you can graduate.

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